I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
