FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
