Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
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