I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
