his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
