Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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