Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
