85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
