Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
