I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
