Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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