If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
