just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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