Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
