i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
