I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
