You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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