the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
