I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize