I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
