I'm gonna have a badass scar
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
last night I used snow as a chaser
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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