hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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