6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
