oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize