I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
