Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Success! We fucked roommates!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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