So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
