He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
handjob tips. give me some.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
