I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize