He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
