I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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