i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
