Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
