He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
worst night to have a conscience
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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