I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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