I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
