i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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