a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
be right there i have to get my cape
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
