please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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