So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
