you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
