All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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