the condom got lost in my hair
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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