I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
