I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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