Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
