remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
