My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
