did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
