Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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