if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
