he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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