life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
