Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
