After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
