I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
and you said cock pushups were impossible
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
