Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
