Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
