I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize