The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
