Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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