I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
someone owes me an orgasm
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
