You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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