I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
