Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
