at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
